Autobiography, Anna Marie

Welcome
I was born in Spokane WA a small town where retired farmers would move to be close to the hospitals. The second daughter of four children, bleach blond hair with amazing blue eyes. Like most parents raising children in the early 60s they repeated what they were taught from their parents. They had absolutely no training in parenting, no internet, no biocentrism teaching and really no forward thinking psychology. They like almost everyone who is socialized, repeated what they learned from their parents. Bruce H. Lipton PHD, one of my favorite scientists said, "Most of us only use 10% of the brain because we keep repeating the past. We can easily use much more of our brain if we chose to practice observation, spend a little time with conscious excursizes and meditation. It's really not difficult to become whole we just need a little hand up and then we're the teacher. 

My mom grew up on a farm and dad was the youngest of ten, raised by a single mom. This generation gave no time looking at feelings and expressing emotions. They had a strong work ethic but were they really happy? We dive into relationships not knowing anything about ourselves and where we all came from. We pay a lot for an education that just may have incredible flaws, we get married and have no clue who we are and who the heck we're signing a piece of paper with, we have children and tell ourselves..."my marriage is going to be better than what my parents had" or "my child will be the next Albert Einstein." 

Shortly after I was born my mom decided to start working away from home and full time. Her mom (my grandma) took care of myself and big sister. One year after I was born came my brother James. We were a year and three days apart and very different for sure. I loved dolls and playing house. James was a typical boy, doing all the boy stuff through our elementary years. My sister Beverly was the sibling I chose to be my super hero. Getting all A's through the school years and playing anything her fingers wanted to play on the piano were her talents.  

We come into this world with intention to gain certain experiences. Karma and reincarnation explain a great deal if you stop to observe it long enough. The Vedas (Hindue Scriptures), the Buddha and the Christ all taught reincarnation (the wheel of suffering). A Catholic priest took reincarnation out of the Christ teaching in the second century. 

Before leaving our mothers womb we have already experienced pain and suffering. From the third trimester to about age six our brain oscillated at a much slower rate. We're in a meditation state absorbing everything and our brain is in the most influential place. Dr. Bruce Lipton shares in his book, the Biology of Belief that during this time our brain records all sensory experiences as well as learning complex motor programs for speech, crawling, standing and advanced activities like running an jumping. Simultaneously, our brain sensory system is fully engaged, downloading massive amounts of information about the world and how it works. The first seven years is where 90% of our brain development occurs. If we experience incredible trauma before six we can't analyze it and we have a difficult time labeling it. Perceptions gained in this time frame become the fundamental subconscious programs that shape our character throughout our lives. Fortunately there are ways to process this information and jump off of this wheel of suffering. 

My dad worked for the Spokane Fire Department and was at work every three days and for 24 hour shifts. My dad very often had small businesses while working full time. Gambling and golfing were his escapes of choice. Everyone loved my dad because he was a lot of fun. I remember when my neighbor friends would come to my home and ask if my dad could come out and play. He was the only dad playing baseball with the many kids and myself on the block.  

Some place between my mothers womb and about age six I gained a victim vibration. A victim vibration can come from feelings of fear, abandonment and lack of worth. This possibly started in the womb or from my grandmother who babysat us all the time. It could of been from just not getting held enough. Abandonment can be very subtle or with huge ramifications. 

The American criminal justice system holds more than 2.3 million people in 1,719 state prisons, 102 federal prisons, 901 juvenile correctional facilities, 3, 163 local jails. We are continuing the wheel of suffering by abandoning these people in corporate run businesses. 

My mother was working full time while suffering incredible physical pain in her body. Her personality was very similar to an alcoholic because of the gripping pain she experienced from Cornic Fatigue. My dad was gone every three days working for the Spokane Fire Department, working his part time little businesses and playing golf. Grandma and my cousin Marry babysat us most of the time.  

We had an older single man as a next-door neighbor. This man was mentally retarded and an alcoholic. Our house was right next to his and there was no fence separating the houses.  Myself and another little girl Amy down the block would swim in a little pool this man had in his front yard. Of course candy was how he lured us into his house. I remember two times I was sexually abused by this man, he locked myself and other little girls in his basement. Through the years more detail comes to my conscious mind as I can handle it more easily. I was set up to have this experience with my vibration of abandonment.   

I'm guessing the sexual offender next door knew this routine. One night I remember my mom and I standing in the kitchen at the back door in the middle of the night while she was screaming at this man who abused me. He was banging on the back door wanting to come into our house. The door was half glass and I remember his face very clearly as my mom had a rifle pointing at it. She screamed, "If you come in I'll blow your head off."

Thankfully at about age six we moved away from this abuser and he went to a home BUT all of the suffering was still trapped in my body (the subconscious mind). Like most people who go through incredible trauma, we put these emotions in our organs (Greek Medicine). They are trapped there until it comes up to the conscious mind and we face and embrace them through simple meditation practice. It's very important to observe our past and pain as something that should be integrated rather than healed or cleared. Through observation alone we can jump off the wheel of suffering. 

As a baby I was in the hospital with walking pneumonia and very often. Around age six I developed asthma. Greek Medicine states: The lungs, being an important noble organ of the Vital Faculty that works closely together with the heart, are sensitive and vulnerable to many of the same emotional states as the heart and respond similarly. The feeling of being smothered, invalidated, or denied one's psychic space can constrict the lungs and cause respiratory problems like dyspnea and asthma.  Negative emotions that sap the will to live are also injurious to the lungs, especially grief and bereavement. Many chronic respiratory diseases and conditions develops after a major loss. 

The public school is definitely not for everyone and it for sure was not my preferred way to learn. There are definitely positives and negatives about our public schools and we need to remember this system was created a very long time ago. My grades were a reflection of the abandonment and trauma I suffered for many years.   

We moved out to the valley of Spokane and on a block that had many kids to play with. This was back in the day when kids played tag and red/green light outside and until we had to go inside. That was a lot of fun playing with all my friends all the time until the sun went down.

When I started eighth grade we moved away from these friends and our new neighbors were much farther apart. It was a beautiful location to live at but I didn't have neighbor friends.  My mom worked full time and she was still suffering with chronic fatigue. My dad was starting to build their independent insurance agency business before he retired from the Fire Department and on his off time he continued to golf. 

I watched a lot of TV after school, my older sister played the piano all the time, James studied all the time. I watched many of the show kids my age watched in the seventies. I had a baby brother now and wasn't very connected to him. Patrick was seven years younger and a doll. 

Teachers didn't understand me as I frustrated them every day. One teacher threw erasers at me, one picked me up and slammed me against a brick wall. My shop teacher looked at me as if he was undressing me. Try focusing in school when you have a teacher looking at you that way. My buss driver grabbed my arm many times and would not let me get off the bus until he looked at me up and down while holding my arm. I don't remember very much of what he said because I left my mind. By the time I got to high school I was a professional at leaving my mind.

At age sixteen I got a job and as soon as I got it,  I lost it. This was the beginning of the many jobs I attained and then easily lost. I couldn't  hold a job for very long because if I felt uncomfortable with the managers/employees I just left my mind while they were doing their best to train me. They didn't even have to be abusive, if they reminded me in any way of the people who abused me I left my mind. If I felt uncomfortable in any way I left my mind. Try learning while your not present. 

Remember psychology began in 1879, the internet began in the 80's and Opera started in 86. Parenting in a small town with a pretty low consciousness and in the 60's would not be easy. I was born in 63 so I'm thinking even if my parents wanted to read a book on raising happy kids it most probably wasn't even in their library. They never got me into counseling or even told me about what happened. My parent just swept my trauma under the rug thinking it would never be found out by their daughter and the relatives. Of course not knowing what happened to me as a little girl caused me to put incredible judgment on myself.  I told myself I had a broken brain and I believed it. My grandma said terrible things about me and I played those words over and over most of my life. She too was sexually abused as a little girl.  

A few days after I turned sixteen I was raped in a bar. I went to that bar because I was a vibrational match to the man who raped me. I remember coming back into my mind while he was getting off of my body. Without being aware of our suffering we act it out over and over until we observe our subconscious mind. We become a magnet to people and situations with characteristics that match our buried suffering. Without knowing what happened to me earlier in life there was no way I could avoid this situation.   

After this rape at age sixteen I had no place to go. There was NO teaching in my public school about this problem and we never talked about anything at home.  The pills I took for my asthma condition were easily available. I wanted to die because I was all alone and had nothing to live for.  I took a lot of pills and fell asleep in my bed. I don't remember how I got to the hospital because my mom doesn't like talking about difficult things but I woke up in the ER. Right after I opened my eyes the doctor said, "You should not do that again" and my mom said, "Don't be stupid again." My parents easily noticed how out of control I was and still chose NOT to get me into counseling. I now know that they were not at all present themselves. 

Between age sixteen and nineteen I was date raped many times. I was on the wheel of suffering and didn't know it. We all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results. When our trauma is buried we keep repeating it and all along thinking it will be better next time.  

At age 19 I moved to Seattle to kill myself because I saw no hope for my life. For some reason I just wanted to be far away from the town I grew up in before killing myself this time. After living there for just a few weeks I was planning to kill myself by stepping out into traffic. As I was getting ready to do just that I noticed a cross made of bubble gum wrappers and one step in front of me. I picked it up and immediately I felt incredible peace and love on and around me. It felt like the Universe wrapped a blanket of love and peace around me. I had never felt this inner love and peace before. Right there on the side walk and all alone I cried so hard while saying "thank you" to God.

For the first time I started thinking I didn't need a man to be happy. For the first time I didn't want anything to do with a guy in my life because I had an experience of true love and acceptance. After I got a job working at the Hilton Hotel as a server I started going to the Cathedral in Seattle. Praying to statues and saying the rosary over and over was how I talked to God. Growing up I noticed many people praying to statues and so I did the same. 

I was doing great for a short time until I met my soon to be husband. David was a Navy guy and stationed in Bremerton, WA. I was living in Seattle a bus and a ferry boat away from him. I think I ditched him about thirteen times because I knew I was not ready for a relationship. From my side walk awakening I was starting to notice things a little more.  I wanted to find out who I was, what made me happy and what I wanted in this life. He pursued me over and over and over then one day I just gave up.

I moved back to Spokane to live with the parents because I lost my job again. David and I drove back and forth from Bremerton to Spokane to visit each other. We shared a vibration of childhood trauma. I stayed with him because he was fun at parties until he got terribly drunk. Most of his horrible anger was covered up before I said, "I DO."  We rarely talked to each other and this was normal for me. I never witnessed my parents talking and sharing so this was love to me. 

Driving home from one of my visits with David in Seattle back to Spokane late at night it was rainy and dark in the Cascade Mountains. I was pulled over by a policeman for speeding. He kept me there until two more police in another car showed up. They told me to get out of my car as they asked me many inappropriate questions. They took their name badges off, surrounded me while talking about getting a piece of me. By this time I was getting a little better at staying present in my mind. I told them many lies about my boyfriend who was meeting me at the next exit. They easily could of raped and killed me on that dark mountain road. This situation was before GPS and cell phones. I believe they didn't because my vibration had changed at my side walk awakening a few months earlier. I felt very great about my life at this time largely because of my awakening and my boyfriend (soon to be husband) was not abusing me just yet. I no longer felt like and thought of myself as a victim. Your emotions reflect the thoughts and feelings your holding. They let me go and told me to drive safe. Change your vibrations...change your life. Your emotion is the physical reflection of the vibration of which you hold.     

Wedding Bells and the Catholic Church day arrived. I shared a dominate vibration with my soon to be husband, a very painful childhood full of rejection, abuse and abandonment. I remember leaving my mind as I was walking down the isle to get married. After we said our vows in the Catholic church I ran to the gym where the big reception was soon taking place. My best friend Cindi was standing right next to me in the gym and with a beer in our hands I said, "What did I just do?" Cindi replied, "You just got married." I said, "Oh fuck, no way!" Then I drank a couple beers really fast. What a magical day that was...not. 

If you're in a relationship and wanting to get married, please read Teal Swans book (Shadows Before Dawn). Get into my Saturday workshop to know yourself. Being fully present after integrating your past and pain is the best gift to give yourself and your future spouse. 

David (my ex husband) had horrific anger and would scream at me every day and inches from my body. I begged him to stop screaming if not for us then for our son. I desperately wanted to have a close and loving relationship where we shared many things. When I watched movies where couples loved each other I cried because I wanted that so bad. I got deeper into depression and gained a lot of weight. 

When my oldest son was 6 month old Source (God) brought the sexual abuse to my conscious mind.  Just a glimpse of the abuse because thats all I could handle at the time. I laid on my bed all night long crying and begging God to kill me. A few days later I asked my mom if I was sexually abused and she said, "It never happened, just put it under the rug and forget about it." I told my husband what happened and he stood up and walked out of the room with no response. It was so strange the way he never talked to me.  

I was like a scared little puppy who was beat up several times by her owner. I asked David if I could get into counseling and of course his reply was, "absolutely no way."  I got books from the library that could help me through the process but my husband found out and went into an enormous rage. He told me to get them out of our home. I wanted to look at the trauma, deal with it and start loving myself. He wanted both of us to stay stuck in this terrible relationship called, marriage.  

My new little baby boy was a great diversion from my past and pain. I decided to dive into the bible to make sense of my crazy life. I convinced myself for years that the answer to this messed up marriage and depressing life was in the bible. I studied the bible, the cultures of the bible, Greek and Hebrew languages, ancient mysteries for two decades. After looking into many religions, volunteering as a personal assistant to a pastor, praying many hours at a time, volunteering incredible hours at our church I still felt lonely and depressed. After all of this research for two decades I just came up with a lot more questions.

Years past and I kept thinking one day David will have to have an awakening and discover how terrible his anger is. I thought he's got to see how much he hates himself and his wife one day. I was the typical co-dependent wife not telling anyone about my husbands terrible anger. I had to change in the bathroom because he never wanted to see me naked. Sex was always a huge disappointment. I was never satisfied and I always felt violated. Whatever we resist......persists! 

We had four beautiful boys together. Years went by and I kept thinking he would want to get into counseling but it never happened! I piled on incredible guilt always feeling terrible because my children had to be a part of this complete dysfunctional marriage.  I felt very sad, lonely, isolated and crushed in my relationship with David.    

God bless my very best friend, Cindi! All through our marriage my husband would go on fits of rage almost daily. David hated Cindi because she represented change and freedom for his wife. David loved to believe this illusion that he controlled EVERYTHING and Cindi was a threat to that. Two years before I got divorced I started asking my best friend questions on the phone when my husband (the monster) was at work. A couple of the questions went like this...."Is it normal for a husband to scream all the time?" and "Is it normal for me to hate sex and feel violated every time?" She was helping me to wake up. Awakening brings change! I started working out and changing my food choices. For the first time in years I was becoming happy again. 

I was working at a golf course full time and loving it. It was a private corse and I served drinks at the half way hut. We got divorced but I had to save money to get into an apt. Of course we didn't talk about how this was going to happen. I was still giving David all of my money because I always did. Three weeks after the big divorce day we were still living together but in separate rooms with separate lives. 

One day David and I were both getting ready for work and I asked him when we would be living at separate locations. I never stopped trying to talk to him even though we were now divorced. He screamed at me so very loud I thought for sure he was going to loose his voice this time. I stood up for myself and told him, "I'm not married to you any more and I don't have to stay here and listen to your rage." This was the first time I stood up for myself and left the situation. Change your perspective, change your vibration.   

My oldest son was living with his dad and in college at Metro State. The rest of my four boys were going back and fourth for four years. Moms for a week and then dads for a week. Shared custody is very difficult for little kids. I constantly felt like a terrible mom for doing this to my boys. 

Dave got remarried a few months after we got divorced. His wife Shari shared the same dominate vibration, past childhood trauma. Together they kept an insane schedule of volunteering most of their time outside of work to a church that many people consider to be a cult. David and his "pastor" are a perfect vibrational match. Together they worked diligently at destroying my life.  

This church convinced my three younger children that I was a terrible mother. I would not get involved with this church even after the leader gave me a $500 dollar check to bribe me into becoming a member. My vibration had changed and I was no longer a match to a manipulative and controlling church/pastor. My three boys who I had shared custody with just walked out the door to live with their dad. This was the end of 2012 (four years after my divorce) and I was all alone. Another AWAKENING here I come!  I honestly thought I was going crazy because my past flooded my present again. I knew nothing about integrating my past and pain. If you keep burring your past and pain it will chase you!  Whatever we resist....persists! It was my body/subconscious mind and the Universe saying, "It's time to integrate your past and pain." 

I went on very long walks, cried for days at a time. I didn't know what to do and where to go. Without giving extreme detail, the best way to describe what happened to me at the end of 2012 and through 2013 was my past flooded my present. Walking was my therapy at this time.  I wanted a car to hit me and kill me while I was walking on the narrow pavement side of the roads. I told God, If you show me any more past I'm going to find a gun and end my life." I knew I had to process this trauma but had no idea how to integrate it. I gave almost everything away to three Mexican women. My car and everything in my home accept for my clothes and the pictures of my boys. My boys were in a whirl wind of confusion getting incredible mind games from the cult and their dad. Then mom was an emotional train wreck wanting integration (whole health) but not knowing how to get it. Psychology, positive thinking and the bible didn't have the answers for me.

I moved to Denver and rented a room in my friends house. I lived in Denver for one year because two of my three school age boys who went to live with dad woke up. They discovered that mom was very right on. They were done living with dad, his wife and the cult who manipulated and controlled them. I became the happiest mom on the planet. I still have one son who is involved with the cult. I rarely talk to him because they monitor his emails, facebook, calls and text messages. He lives in a group house and everything he does is for the church. I send him text messages telling him how much I love him. I miss him every day but I know that he will be in my life and all the time one day. 

I'm now in love with stillness, meditation and acknowledging with love my past. I've experienced peace and the release of incredible physical and emotional pain through meditation and being present. The physical pain I suffered with for years has integrated and I'm mostly pain free. My meditation and connection to God is incredible. I have love for people, animals and plants I thought I could never have. I completely believe there are absolutely NO limits to my joy and bliss! I love myself with a lot less judgment and I'm learning how to love others more every day. It's a TOTAL blast being a deliberate creator! My vision board stuff is manifesting faster these days. It is my great joy to share my story in hopes that it will help you in your journey to integration and wholeness. 

Our past will always surface over and over and over asking for integration and wholeness. We can drink a lot of alcohol, eat a lot,  take a lot of pills or cut ourselves to avoid integration. We can even entertain ourselves every day to avoid the past and pain. After acknowledging and loving our past and pain, loving the inner child, bringing in the higher self, and reading Teal Swans book "Shadows Before Dawn" you're ready to MANIFEST all of your dreams come true. You're ready to be a "deliberate creator."   

May you experience incredible love and a whole integrated life. Everything falls into place beautifully when we love ourselves. Loving others is very easy after integrating our past and pain. Positive thoughts and blessings to you.

namaste, 
Anna Marie